


Reminders

by mirqueen



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-10 01:04:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirqueen/pseuds/mirqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reminders were what she was left with. She hated the mark they left on her crumbling strength. But please let her be reminded of the pain, since it was the only constant thing that assured her of his place in her unsteady heart. (Canon Pairings)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reminders

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make any profit off of  _Twilight_ , which is the property of Stephenie Meyer, Summit Entertainment, etc. The song  _Undiscovered_ is the property of Ashlee Simpson, etc. _  
_

A/N: Normally I don’t like writing pieces about the depressing and hopeless period of time in  _New Moon_ , but I was really inspired. I was listening to the song  _Undiscovered_  sung by Ashlee Simpson and realized just how well the lyrics fit. This takes place from September up to January, and then touches on Jacob’s intervention, Alice’s arrival, and Bella’s race to save Edward at the tower. All seen through Bella.

Bold = change of time/events  
_Italics_  = song lyrics (mostly)

> **Reminders**

**September…**

Everything was gone as he walked away and took it with him. Each new hope and dream was destroyed before it ever even surfaced. All the meaning and beauty and wonder of life and living it was decimated beyond any imaginable repair. Some part of her was so completely broken that if given a physical form, it would have resembled thousands of tiny, imperceptible shards of clear glass. The shards lay so inconspicuously because of their minute size, but suddenly someone would walk over them and the pieces would sting and cut through soft, vulnerable skin. Only after the pain came and pricked at the soles of their feet with every movement would the shards sparkle brightly, so obvious once they have already done the undeniable damage.

That was all she was now, all she felt she could ever be; painful shards and hurting feet. The minuscule pieces of her broken self lay innocuously beneath the metaphorical feet of her heart. Life proceeded in clouded sensitivity each minute, each hour, each day. Until suddenly, irreparably unwelcome reminders hit with the force of hurricane-strength gales, the unnoticed shards prodded her heart, and the realization came only after the pain struck.

**October…**

_Take it back, take it all back now_

_The things I gave_

_Like the taste of my kiss on your lips_

_I miss that now_

If he could only have taken it all back. Taken back the things she had to remember, but hated to. So many things that she wished he had taken with him, and not left for her mind to replay whenever she was unguarded and weak and selfish and masochistic. His sweet, beautiful kisses that left her lips cold and tingling with electricity. His velvet voice that hummed her to easy sleep as swiftly as any baby. His cold arms that held her so gently and carefully despite his granite muscles and unbelievable physical power. His blinding smile, so impossibly angelic in its heartwarming sunshine as he turned it towards her. His molten eyes that sucked her into a cacophony of adrenaline, breathlessness, love, and surrender. She missed it all like her human lungs would miss breathing the air, like her human heart would miss blood pumping through it, like her human body would miss working at all. It all was so contradicting. If she was like him, her new lungs and heart and body would continue to exist without human sustenance and fluids, even if the human form she now was, would miss it. Everything would still be there, and yet not. Everything gone and yet remaining. Just like now.

The inhuman, all she wanted and needed and could not live without, was taken. It was gone. And still the reminders of it stayed with her. The vivid, despicable, painful, wonderful reminders of all that was lost to her. Those were what she wished he would have taken back with him to wherever he went when he left her to this poisonous existence. These were the things she wanted him to take back when he retreated with her broken heart in his grasp.

_I can’t try any harder than I do_

_All the reasons that I gave_

_Excuses I made for you_

_I’m broken in two_

She had known his truths, understood the painful honesty with all the patience and grace that she could muster for him. She tried so hard to see and admit that it was the right thing, the kind thing. Tried so badly to admit that she was holding him back from the life an immortal should lead without such intense human interference. He was beyond her now. Beyond her slip of a life’s potential to mar him with human fragility and caution and plain simplicity. He was free to live the life he deserved. The one she could never give him, courtesy of her incompetence and her lack of beauty and strength and wisdom.

So many reasons and excuses for her dimwittedness blared in her every sense, cutting her heart to the minimal strings it had become. What had she been thinking? What had she been trying to do? What foolish, ridiculous hopes had she attempted to press on him in the face of her glaring inadequacy? But she knew she had never thought, never tried to think. She had simply felt. And then her feelings had left her broken in the aftermath.

**November…**

_All the things left undiscovered_

_Leave me empty and left to wonder_

_I need you_

Now, only now, could she see the possibilities her mind had formed. The fairytale possibilities that crept into her subconscious over the precious few months she had spent with him, but had lain dormant and unacknowledged until now. And now the clarity allowed her to see how those possibilities came like an undiscovered toxin that built up in the bloodstream until it became powerful enough to kill what she had tried to hold onto. The many undiscovered possibilities flooded her dreams and her waking moments with debilitating pain.

The pain left her devoid of everything else. One of the despicable reminders of the fairytale months would attack her in a moment of weakness and the pain of the shards inside her would flare agonizingly against her shattered heart. Once the pain had her in its grip, she was powerless to stop her wandering mind. In those times, she wondered. Yes, she let herself wonder on the undiscovered, the unknown, the hidden potential. She tortured herself with the dreams she used to idolize and the brittle shell of her old hope smashed each and every starkly bitter time. But she had to wonder. Because she needed the reminders that she hated. She needed to remember him. She just needed him.

_All the things left undiscovered_

_Leave me waiting and left to wonder_

_I need you_

_Yeah, I need you_

_Don’t walk away_

The things undiscovered in their short time together would forever prod at her mind and her heart. A part of her mind would always worry the fine edges of the possibilities, gradually and slowly fraying her sanity along with it. Every thought of what could have been, if only she was wonderful enough, would keep her waiting for the impossible to occur. Her wondering would dredge up the numerous lies she had so blatantly convinced herself to believe, drag her many unlovable qualities to the forefront of her brain, display to the world how much she was deluding herself.

Her biggest delusion was in believing that she could have had him forever. How could imperfection hold onto such godlike perfection for any lengthy stretch of time? Even so, she needed it. She needed the memory of her childish, unrealistic hopes because they were all she had left of him and his temporary romance. Every part of her cried out to have those memories to fall back on, to convince her sadistic mind that he hadn’t walked away completely.

**December…**

_Touch me now_

_How I want to feel something so real_

_Please remind me, my love_

_And take me back_

Wishes of a lost future filled her whenever she painfully remembered his looks, his words, his touches. If he could touch her now, she would feel alive again. Colors would flood her vision once more and sounds would fill her eardrums anew with such beauty that it would be pleasurable pain. If he was there to touch her, life would be real again. She would feel real herself. But he wasn’t there to sooth her with a caress. He would never again touch her. Whether it be his arm about her waist or the touch of his love on her spirit.

Reminders were what she was left with. She hated them and their constant sorrow and ache. She hated the mark they left on her crumbling strength. An eternity of hate welled up for the horrible visions that guided her dreams to darkness. Oh, but please let him remind her all the same. Let her be reminded of the pain, since it was the only constant thing that assured her of his place in her unsteady heart. The wishes changed in the face of that pain and that constancy. Her unfulfilled wishes morphed into only one desperate hope. That he take her back and say it was nothing but an illusion that he had ever left in the first place. Just an illusion that he had never loved her imperfect, pathetic, human little life.

_Cause I’m so in love with what we were_

_I’m not breathing, I’m suffocating without you_

_Do you feel it too?_

The depth of what they had shared was ever present. It crippled her already-broken life. How she loved what they were to each other back then. When he still lied to her and made her feel invincible in the face of his pitying love. So much untapped love and devotion was still soaked into her emotional train-wreck of a heart. Love for him. Love for his kindness in gifting her with such beautiful memories. Love for his family. Love for their sweetness and gentility in helping her feel incredibly special for once in her short lifetime.

Her devotion to that love cost her more than she thought possible. Breath was a challenge to take in when her devotion carried up the painful reminders. She simply could not find the power to encourage the functioning of her lungs, knowing he was not there to revel in the motions. In time, it would smother her. Suffocation would eventually take her inconsequential life. Without him, that was how she existed. Barely breathing and ready to collapse without the intake of air, for which he had no need and she had no care. In a way, he could probably feel what she felt. The lack of breath was uncomfortable, he had once told her. It was the only way she could describe the feeling of suffocation. Her human body might create the sensation of pain in response to it, but her mind could not fathom a deeper pain than the absence of her soul, for that was what he had been to her.

_All the things left undiscovered_

_Leave me waiting and left to wonder_

_I need you_

_All the things left undiscovered_

_Leave me empty and left to wonder_

_I need you_

_Yeah, I need you_

And so she wondered, eternally wondered, in all her stupidity, of what might have been. The things that could have come from their intensely gorgeous moments together flitted through her hazy waking hours, so much more fascinating and important than whatever else she could focus on in the dull daily life around her. She was always left wanting more when the vision ended. Even when she was surrounded by the gritty cramping of loss, she wanted his all-encompassing loveliness to be at the front of her mind.

The unknown future that may have come to them filled her with a need to have him in her arms and in her life once again. She needed him so desperately. Instead of facing his lacking presence, however, she gave in to the reminders and was made empty of all else. Numb. All because she needed him.

**January…**

_When I’m in the dark and all alone_

_Dreaming that you’ll walk right through my door_

_It’s then I know my heart is whole_

_There’s a million reasons why I cry_

_Hold my covers tight and close my eyes_

_Cause I don’t wanna be alone_

Night brought the deepest wounds upon her heart. Because with night, came darkness and dreams. Dreams wrenched away her beautiful memories and transformed them into the terrors that plagued her rational mind, as dormant as it was. Her dreaming mind conjured images of him slipping into the passenger side of her truck, walking back through her doorway, climbing back through her window.

Except her dreams were not merciful enough to give him back to her as she needed. In dreams, he came close, close enough to touch and to smell. He came close enough to make her feel whole and real and alive again. So wonderfully, excruciatingly close that she thought he had never left her. Only to then be ripped away and leave her searching through misty, darkening paths best left undiscovered by any sane being.

In her rediscovered loneliness, the pain reached new heights. Tears finally,  _finally_  came to her eyes as her heart trembled and her breath labored. Sobs and screams escaped rapidly, wrenched out of her throat with bruising force as the dreams subsided. The aftermath left her gripping the blankets with her eyes tightly closed, wishing so plaintively it was cold granite beneath her fingertips instead of warm cotton. She imagined him there, when she had the strength. If he could not be brought to mind, she settled for begging God not to leave her alone with only the unfeeling blanket and her loneliness.

_All the things left undiscovered_

_Leave me waiting and left to wonder_

_I need you_

Come the morning, it was back to fantasies she could not let go of in her kindling desperation to have him with her. She was empty even with her daydreams, waiting to be discovered by whatever grace existed in the universe that might chance sending him back to say he had changed his mind about everything. To say he would never, ever again leave her to fear so achingly for her own ability to survive without him, the one being she needed so badly she could taste it on her tongue.

Edward.

_All the things left undiscovered_

_Leave me empty and left to wonder_

_I need you_

_I need you_

In the wake of another loss, she was left with the heat of an undiscovered secret. Heat and anger and frustration from the one she thought she could trust to give her cool relief and friendly understanding. He had filled her brokenness with something like life. It was some semblance of what she had lost. That which was gone. For a time she thought she could survive.

Yet again, she was left empty and wondering. Imagining what could have been if only things were easier. If only life was not such a challenge to overcome, but rather a joy to intercept. She had needed him, almost as strongly she needed her icy granite hero. She had needed her personal sun to light up the dark places. And instead, she had gotten the hard edges of a familiar, but wholly different person.

Jacob.

**New life…**

_Cause I can’t fake_

_And I can’t hate_

_But it’s my heart that’s about to break_

Could there be a more beautiful sight than the creature who graced her life after so long without that kind of light? She knew there could not be. And she could never fake the emotion that overpowered her upon first seeing the new light in her darkness.

Hate for her painful memories fell away. The reminders were no longer necessary. There was someone so real, there with her, holding her, talking with her. Showing the same sweetness and gentility she had so loved his family for. Someone who really, truly cared and wanted her to be whole. Someone so unexpected in her pained and destroyed mind that it was unreal. A friend. An angel. A savior. A sister.

Alice.

_You’re all I need_

_I’m on my knees_

_Watch me bleed_

_Would you listen please?_

Pain had been there, poking her in the chest covertly, as if to say it would never leave her long. But Alice was there. Alice was the bracing support and the steel shield and the cottony cushion all at once. Alice kept the pain at bay. But so much went wrong after so much went right.

Jacob brought on new pain, pain that Alice could not hold back for any length of time. Pain that had never hit her so strongly until then. Until his begging her to stay. He did not realize, had never understood. He could not see that if she stayed, her reason for existing would be extinguished for the rest of time. She needed Jacob. Needed the friend that he used to be, that he could be.

Physically, she had been sitting in the car when he asked her to remain. Emotionally, she had gotten down upon her very knees to beg his understanding. Her heart bled that he simply did not try to comprehend. He would never try. He would never listen. But she had no time to save whatever they had left between them. The reason for her existence, the one who held her heart in his hands and always would, was what she had to save. Because ultimately, saving him meant saving her own soul.

_I give in_

_I breathe out_

_I want you_

_There’s no doubt_

She gave in to the love that had never really left her for even a moment. Gave into the want of him and the absolute certainty of her feelings for him. She breathed out all of the loss and pain and heartache for as long as it took to save him, her soul. There was no doubt that she had to do it. No doubt, even if his safety and survival was all she could hope to save for herself. Even if her love for him was unable to be saved, as well.

_I freak out_

_I’m left out_

_Without you_

_I’m without_

Panic settled into her bones as the clock shot towards the last thing on earth she could ever want to happen. She freaked out as much as was humanly possible without completely losing her mind and delaying the race for his life. Her legs pounded against the stone beneath her feet, leaving her out of breath and out of strength, but unable to stop. Without him, she would be empty again. Daydreams and fantasies and fairytales would even die within her, if he were to leave the world in any physical permanence.

_I’m crossed out_

_I’m kicked out_

_I’m cried out_

_I reach out_

If he was gone forever, never to come back in the surviving world, her life was even more meaningless than before. He had to live, had to be existing, for her to even hope of surviving. Otherwise, her life was scratched out, crossed out, demolished. God would remove her from life, kick her out of the land of the living. Because God would know that when Edward was gone, her soul would go with him and there would be no point in her being alive anymore.

Here eyes were dry. Tears could not even fall at the thought of his loss. She had cried herself out of tears long ago, lost the very ability to draw liquid into the ducts. So instead she reached out with her heart, willing him to feel her pain and her sorrow if he were to step out as he planned. If he were to lose himself.

_Don’t walk away_

A sense of incredible responsibility washed over her as he came into her sights for the first time in a lifetime of loneliness. He was so near. She was so close. She couldn’t let him walk out to meet his end. In walking out, he would be walking away from her. Her heart was ready to give up already if he was taken away from her, beating so quickly she imagined it was just going to move too fast to work properly.

_Don’t walk away_

If she let him step out of the shadows, she would be letting him walk away a second time. With him, all the reminders would die. She would be giving up all the memories of him for good; the touch of his hand and the smoldering of his eyes. Never again would she hear his glorious voice whisper in her ear and hum marvelous music against her head. No ice-cold hardness would brush her hair back behind her ear or soothe her with a gentle hand against her back.

_Don’t walk away_

If she let him walk straight into the arms of his own doom, she would be unable to tell him not to walk away a second time. She would be unable to be selfish and beg him to stay and put up with her. To stay for her short human lifetime and then let her die in peace with the beautiful memories only he could give. His beautiful soul, the one she knew was there and always had been, would be snatched from her imagination like a breeze.

_Don’t walk away_

If she let him walk into the sunlight, the accursed bright light that would expose his highest loveliness and perfection to the world, she would be letting him walk away from real, unconditional love. She could give him that, could offer him that much of herself. Because she would always need him. Because she would always love him more than life itself. And if she found it necessary to trade life for love, she would not hesitate to die.

* * *

 


End file.
